Dating After Your Divorce
3 Mistakes for Women to Avoid
1. Dating after divorce, thinking that all men are going to be like your ex-husband.
Dating after divorce? It’s difficult to trust someone new after being hurt by your ex. But if you do not resolve your trust issues, it can destroy your chances of finding a new, healthy relationship. Your distrust is transparent in your conversations with people, or even on your dating profile when you say things like,’No dishonest men’ or ‘No head games’ . You are telling the world you’ve been hurt and have trust issues. Here is how this hurts you: Men who have it together will recognize your distrust and possibly be scared away by it, knowing he will be paying for the sins of your ex-husband. Contrarily, the men who do play games most likely haven’t even recognized this about themselves or they’re not going to own up to it, so they are not likely to stay away because you have asked. If you haven’t resolved your trust issues, the doubting voice in your head says,’All men are like my ex. All men cheat. All men fall out of love and break up with you.’Replace this nagging replay with,’I’m in a new relationship and I am learning all about him and his wonderful, unique qualities.’ Start with a clean slate. Notice THIS person’s qualities.
2. Getting involved in a rebound relationship.
After a divorce, it’s normal to feel lonely. Often, to fill the pain of loneliness, people get involved with someone new before they’re ready. How do you tell if a new relationship is genuine or a rebound relationship? Dating after divorce, ask yourself if this new person has qualities you’d want in a long term relationship? Do you have things in common? Is a physical attraction keeping you from seeing how incompatible you really are?
Also ask: ‘Am I happy alone, even without a man in my life?’ If yes, you’re ready for a new relationship. But if you’re with someone just so you’re not alone, then this is most likely a rebound situation. As you heal your trust issues and learn things about yourself, it is possible to transform a rebound relationship into a real one as long as it isn’t just based on physical attraction.
3. Unintentionally hanging onto baggage.
Dating after divorce Often, I will say,’If you’re over 12 years old, you have baggage.’ We’ve all been hurt in the past. The key is to release the baggage so that you do not carry it with you into your future relationships. Sometimes we aren’t even aware of our baggage and how it holds us back.
It’s time to ask yourself some questions:
Did you spend enough time alone after your divorce to really think about what caused the collapse of your marriage? While your ex played a part, did you have any destructive habits? One of the most destructive habits is blame. We want to blame our significant others for how we feel, but the truth is our emotions are our own. Instead of telling someone,’You’re making me angry’, it’s more effective to say,’When you did X,Y or Z, it didn’t feel good or I felt uncomfortable.’
Whether it’s avoiding blame or other destructive habits, is there anything else you could do differently to not carry old baggage forward? Answer this question and you are on your way to saying goodbye to the old and hello to new, healthy relationships.